Poisoned By My Own Hand; Death By Chambord

The Royal Vial of Poison

It was the worst hangover I ever had.  And I’ve had a few over the years, but this one wins the gold.  The National Anthem plays, and I put my hand over my heart.  I humbly accept that I had something to do with its shining success.  I’m the man behind medal.

Lets see.  Beer, tequila, champagne, some wine in there, somewhere, then more beer and tequila.  A little weed to give the merry-go-round a good spin, then a cheap cigar.  Good party.  I loved everybody.  Everything was hilarious.  I came home and wasn’t quite done.  Just needed a little knick-knocker to bang the box closed.  Nothing to drink except an ancient bottle of black raspberry liqueur that I brought back from my grandparents’ house after they both had died.  Some shit called “Chambord.”

From Wikipedia:

“Chambord is made from red and black raspberries, Madagascar vanilla, Moroccan citrus peel, honey and cognac.

Chambord is produced on the premises of a traditional Loire Valley Chateau, using all natural ingredients. Whole raspberries and blackberries are steeped in French spirits for a period of several weeks to produce a fruit infusion. This infusion produces a distinct raspberry flavor and aroma.

After the infusion is extracted, a second set of spirits is added to the fruit and allowed to rest for a few weeks.  After this second infusion is drawn off, the remaining fruit is pressed to obtain the natural sugars and juice.  The fruit-infused spirits and juices from the final pressing are then combined, and finally, the berry infusion is married with a proprietary blend of cognac, natural vanilla extract, black raspberries, citrus peel, honey, and herbs and spices. The liqueur is 16.5% alcohol by volume.”

Oooh!  Sounds wonderful, especially that 16.5% alcohol part.  What they don’t mention in the article is that all that fussing and fruit-infusing produces a lethal toxin, and that drinking it will give you a hangover you’ll remember and write about almost twenty years later.

It came in a fancy bottle that looked like the orb a King holds to symbolize something symbolic, His Majesty’s Royal Thing.  I remember looking at this very same bottle as it sat on their shelf for over 30 years gathering dust.

I never saw anyone drink from it.  People must have been hip to it.  They must’ve have known it was death in a bottle.

I didn’t know that then.  All I really knew was that it was a bottle of booze, and I wasn’t going to let a perfectly good bottle of booze go to waste.  After my grandfather’s funeral, I threw it into my suitcase.  I was never much into liqueurs and shit.  Too fucking sweet.   If I want to drink something that tastes like cough syrup, I’ll drink cough syrup, thank you.

The bottle continued to sit on my shelf for another year or so gathering more dust.  I just kept it around.  Hey, you never know when you’ll need it.

Like right now.  I picked up the royal globus cruciger and uncorked it.  I quickly took four or five deep swigs to get it down before the taste hit.  The sickly sweetness made me want to retch.  Dear God, that’s some evil shit.  Who would drink this by choice?

It wasn’t long before the synergistic effect from introducing this unholy concoction into my already multifaceted drunk finally pushed me over the falls.  I stumbled over to my mattress and let myself fall face first.  Sweet holy oblivion!  The Universal Void!  Oh blessed dissolution!  My soul’s husk entombed in the dark City of Pyramids, where I shall dwell with no name, hooded and faceless, in the Desert of Desolation for eternity.

Then, almost instantly, a loud alarm clock.  Time to rise and shine, and give God your glory, glory!

I knew when I opened my eyes.  This was no ordinary hangover.  This was going to be special.  Today, I would become a man.  Calling in was not an option.  Not because of any heroic work ethic, but because my finances were strung so tight, any day’s pay lost would spell my doom.  I was $64 away from The Abyss.

I worked as a laborer for a local plumbing company.  Most of the time I just dug trenches and ran the jack-hammer.  The average day usually didn’t lack some brutal pain in the ass, but now it was winter and freezing cold.  Everything would have a little extra suck attached to it.  It had stormed three days earlier.  Santa Fe was covered with 6 to 8 inches.  I got Friday off because of the snow, so I was out of the blocks quick that weekend and had an early lead.

By Saturday night, I was at a world record pace.  Remember being 86’d from Luna.  Helping Marko push our car out of a ditch.  Being at some St. John’s party where we almost got into a fight with some visiting Dutch dudes that looked like The Bay City Rollers.  Eventful for sure, but we were on our A Game, and dealing effectively with what we had to deal with.  I was just navigating my way through a fairly typical week-end night.  Nothing yet to foreshadow the personal milestone I was about to be set.

It was the shindig at my friend Collette’s house on Sunday night that really propelled me to my bitter victory, and it was those last slugs of  Moroccan citrus peel and honey that pushed my nose across the ribbon.  I’m sure the Chambord assured that this Monday morning would become immortalized forever as my worst.

There was the most amazingly brutal, temple-banging headache, the kind that beats at the eyeballs so hard it jars them blurry.  My stomach was clenched in nausea.  Throat burning from bile.  Hands already beginning to shake.  I got out of bed, walked a few steps, then actually had to take a knee, like I had been chop-blocked.  Fuck me.  This is some new super strain of hangover.  After all, I wasn’t a little baby about alcohol poisoning at this point, but this kind of suffering was almost biblical.  This was very different.  Why?

Beer, wine, tequila, champagne, beer and tequila and beer.  Check.  Nothing amiss there.  Hmm.  Oh, the fucking Chambord.  That was the last, so that’s whose fault it was.  Chambord.  That’s the X factor in our equation.  Fucking Chambord.  From France.

I rode the walls down the hall to go outside and start the car up.  I walked out in my underwear and one sock.  I saw the lady across the street getting into her car to go to work.  She saw me, and I saw her, but neither of us waved.   The Olds Omega was a block of ice.  The door was frozen shut.  I got one foot up on the car and was trying to pull the car door open like it would make me the King of England.  I finally got it open and after a few dozen tries, got the engine to turn over.  I went back inside.

Breakfast was out of the question.  I took a shower and put on my Gumby suit, which is what Marko and I called our green, cold-weather coveralls.  I could only find one glove and settled for that.  One of anything is better than nothing, except maybe tumors and shit.  Or a hangover like this one.  None of it would be a lot better.  So much for that axiom.

I drove to the plumbing office late where Joe, yes, the plumber, was already waiting.  Joe was an ex-speed freak from Farmington, NM.  He wore his long blond hair in a single braid.  He could be cool sometimes, but more often was one of the most hateful and sarcastic bastards that ever crawled the earth.  I could forget about getting any sympathy from him.  It was all I could do to get him to stop at a drive-thru so I could attempt food.  He pulled into Hardee’s.

I hated Hardee’s but it was this or nothing, and except for tumors and a bunch of other stuff, something was always better than nothing.  I got the 99 cent hamburger and a small coffee.

We drove up towards the ski basin.  I pushed the burger down against a rebellious gag reflex and nursed the coffee.  We drove in silence for a while.

“Whew! You really smell like liquor,” Joe said, rolling down the window.

“It’s Chambord.”

“Well lah-dee-fucking dah!”

We drove up to the job site.  It was up by Hyde Park.  We were putting in a gas line to this multi-million dollar home belonging to an actress that starred in a terrible movie with Richard Dreyfuss.  They couldn’t get a back hoe in on the side of the steep rocky hill, so it was up to me to jack hammer up the rock, then pick and shovel a trench about forty feet across.  I had been working on it for three days and was only half the way there.

I had kept myself going by picturing myself in a Russian labor camp.  I used to pretend that I was The Iron Prisoner, a man doomed by fate to a life sentence of hard labor.  I would suffer silently and with dignity.  Resigned and resilient.  Bent but not broken.

When I climbed into that trench that morning, I was broken, and bent.  Joe had gone inside the house to top out some drains and left me to my misery.  I put on my glove and lined up the jack hammer on a cluster of rocks.  I was just about to pull the trigger when I let go, turned, and puked my hot coffee and 99 cent burger.  I watched it steam and sink into the snow.  Seeing that made me puke again.  Fucking Hardee’s.

After watching my two dollars disappear into a puddle of slush, I went back to the hammer and pulled the trigger.  All hell erupted in my skull.  A jack-hammer is an unpleasant tool to operate, even when you’re well-rested and in love with a beautiful woman, but hung over, poisoned to the pores, hating the very concept of existence, it’s…really…something.

I tried to picture myself in a cozy cabin sipping a pint of stout, with a nice roaring fire and a bi-sexual punk rock girl posing dirty for me on a bear skin rug.  Hell, even folding laundry in the garage would’ve been better.  Just about anything anywhere else than here now.  My suffering silently and with dignity was now being broken up with periodic puppy whimpering and weeping.

At one point, I thought about just ending it all.  I could lay down, put the chisel bit of the jack hammer in my mouth, then reach up with my foot and press the handle.  I would kill myself by jack-hammering a hole through my skull.  It seemed dicey, and if I didn’t pull it off, I’d be subject to teasing from the rest of the construction guys forever.  Nice idea though.  Maybe I’ll have a character in one of my stories do it.

I’d go as long as I could, then let go of the trigger handle.  I was sweating champagne and Chambord.  Dizzy and dry-mouthed, I’d cup a handful of snow and rub it into my face.  Looking around, I could see I was surrounded by absolute beauty.  We were up on spacious lot of land, with a lot of snow-flocked trees, and from the hillside, I could see all of Santa Fe below.  The sky was deep blue.  The sun bright.

The contrast to my inner landscape, the blighted, bombed out bummer within, was notable.  I remember thinking, “Wow, everything around me is beautiful, and that’s very different from what’s going on inside.”  Why was I always running away from Reality, when Reality looked better than the alternative I created?

My drinking was an escape, for sure, but an escape from what?   Was it from Reality?  Or just from the man experiencing it?

I put the hammer and the big questions aside, and took a few swings with the pick to break up the chunks.  I scraped what I could with the shovel and threw it over the side, then pulled the jack-hammer back up and resumed blasting away.   The open-minded punk rock girl was long gone by now.  Nothing left but bitter irony to chew on, and maybe some hopelessness from a hose to wash it down.

That was pretty much lunch since I didn’t bring anything to eat.  I spent it smoking a couple of cigarettes near a little fire one of the workers built in a fireplace.  After lunch it was back to the trench.  I was still pretty sick and the next four hours dragged.

I hammered and clawed and scraped and got to within seven feet of the end when Joe finally came out to tell me to roll it up.  I dragged the tools and my ass back to the van.  The headache and nausea were almost gone, but I was beat.  Joe finally finished talking to the foreman and got in.

“You look like shit,” he said.

“I’ve never felt better,” I told him, “That Chambord stuff must be some kind of youth tonic.”

He dropped me off at my car.  The left front tire was low.  I’d deal with that tomorrow.  I got in and drove to Kelly’s Liquors.  There was a sale on Beck’s.  I bought three six packs, just to be sure I didn’t Chambord myself again.

One thing I knew by then was that I couldn’t be trusted.  All day long I had been telling myself I’d never drink again, and here I was at Kelly’s again.  Just because I swore off Chambord, didn’t mean if I ran out of beer I might not be tempted to try it again, expecting different results.  Alcoholics are fucked up like that.  We never learn.

Well, almost never.  I never drank that poison again.  Eventually, I even managed to stop drinking.  But, it took a lot more than the worst hangover of my life to want to.  I had to really feel bad.

Am I dead yet?

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20 responses to “Poisoned By My Own Hand; Death By Chambord

  1. My wife used to drink some kind of chick drink that had Chambord in it. All I ever knew was that it was kind of purply looking. Good thing I never tried to drink it, I suppose.
    I’ve read some of your older stuff when you really were fucking ON, and though I think all your writing is fabulous, this one is of the strain of some of your best storys-your knack for having masterful writing mechanics certainly made for a tale as epic as surely the hangover itself was.
    Was this the one you told me that writing was like “pulling teeth”? It paid off, Marius. Nice story.

    • Yeah Dave, this one was kind of a pain in the ass to write, like I didn’t feel it. Stared a lot at the screen and hated what I had written, took out half and kept the other half in, hoping I picked the right half. Glad you think it came out alright. I’ve felt out of sorts these past few days. I’m going to use my Point App to locate the nearest exorcist. I’ll catch up with tonight.

  2. What Dave said. And I recall reading that the NKVD, prior to capping some poor Enemy of the People in the back of the skull with a Makarov, would delight in proffering a slug of Chambord to the soon to be departed Kulak.

    This tale has caused me to take a rather unplesant trip down my own Hangover Lane. What is so odd is how that was an accepted cost of doing business. I remember REALLY hating my self for falling victim for those whopper hangovers. I mean, when you are a “We are Professional Grade” type of boozehound, it is so amateur to mix your booze. But, alas, it is part of the turf.

    I actually put a nice dent in my favorite car while pumping gas on a hellacious hanger. Think about that. A dent in steel while standing.

    Keep calm, Carry on.

    • Leave it to those commie bastards to rub Chambord into an open wound. Lori and I are still laughing about “A dent in steel while standing.” That’s like Haiku, Mel. Says so very much with so few words. Fucking brilliant. btw, thanks for bumming out my morning with the T-35 photo. I don’t know why, but that just put me into a mild funk that seems to have turned into a full-blown depression. Really trying hard not to cop a resentment, but it’s hard, dude. You KNOW how sensitive I am to having my personal misconceptions revealed as false. This fantasy world I’m housing my psyche in is delicate. You should know that.

  3. Yeah, what Dave said. While every terrible (worst or almost worst, depending on memory) hangover is somewhat the same, physiologically and feeling like you’re gonna/you wanna die, every terrible (or worst) hangover is also it’s own fresh hell, taking one’s mind and body and bodily functions and psyche and pounding brain and gagging gut and all that shit on a Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride of seemingly eternal, absolutely unbearable suffering. And what I love about your writing, Marius, is that you fucking bring it! You nail it, I believe, for each and every one of us who has had the pleasure of the experience, be it Chambord-induced, or other. Just about any guy could yak, off-hand,for a minute about his worst hangover, and anyone around him would probably be like, “Oh, yeah, man…this one time I…” But you, taking the time, going deep within those memories, that sense memory, and pulling that shit together into a magnificently rendered experience that (I think) most of us can personally, deeply relate to—wow. Or, WOW. Bravo? Whatever the word, you got it. On a final note, you really brought back some memories when you wrote of the beautiful N.M. landscape, and how shitty you could feel inside…Some of my deepest bottoms hit me (and this is not meant vainly–it was truly sad and scary) when I found myself staring into the mirror, looking “really good” (and having others tell me so) and inside, I’m about to disintegrate, to lose my mind for good this time,to collapse and cry and never stop. And this, too, in extraordinarily gorgeous natural surroundings…talk about your dichotomy. Thanks for bringing me with you again on your personal path(s). And a shout-out to cough syrup, my gone-but-not-forgotten-but-gone old “pal.” Best to you and those you love, Marius. Mort

    • I must say, Mort, I’m impressed that you could still feel bad after looking in the mirror and seeing you look okay. First off, that’s never happened to me, but more importantly, I’m so shallow and vain that no matter how bad I feel, if I looked up and saw that I was looking alright, I’d be all “Well hot damn, maybe this misery business is not all that bad.” I know, I probably think this song is about me… Thanks for all the appreciation. Means much. Not much time before the end of August and you run out of time to roll out your blog, by the by. Get on it!

      • Don’t you, don’t you, don’t yooouuuu?! But, uh, yeah, there were plenty o’ times when I looked as tore up as I actually was.(Which was, indeed, from the floor up.) But the whole “Pretty on the outside” idea can be horrifying, like…”My life is an unending (unfortunately) series of dope-sickness, desperation, insanity, abscesses, deaths around me, friendlessness, criminality, lies, police activity, guilt, fear, etc., and this schmuck just said I look great, so skinny!” and I’m dyin’ here, I’m dyin’!!!

      • Mort, I’m really glad you made it through to the other side. I’m sure the world, and certainly this blog comment section would be a less fun place without you around to spread your brand of sunshine. By the way, you’re a really good writer. Has anyone told you that you should maybe write your own blog? I know, crazy idea. Nevermind. Thanks for at least sharing some of your literate razzle dazzle here. It’s aweeze appreciated. Peace to the beast within.

  4. wow! marius, this is super brilliant! i was absolutely hooked by the first line, “It was the worst hangover I ever had.” I HAD to keep reading because many people exaggerate things like this, but I had a feeling this would be on the mark and extremely funny, which it was…although i feel a bit bad about laughing out loud about some of this. But, clearly you aren’t writing this to brag or appear “cool” and so the honesty wins in the end. i am not sure i can articulate the happiness i feel that your misery has had a purpose in producing such sharp & fantastic writing. keep up the good works. and i wonder why this was so hard to write, it read as if it was completely effortless on your part. thoughts/reflections? loved it!

    • I don’t know, Candice, why this one was difficult to write, it’s not like I had to finesse my way around some difficult subject matter. I think the mild depression I’ve been riding out colored my perception. I just had a constant nagging doubt through the whole process. Fuck it, right? Do it anyway. It’s the one thing I’m learning. Just because Marius isn’t excited about something, really doesn’t mean shit. Anyway,it’s been a big whew! for me that the response has been positive. Thanks for that, and for sharing it on that other form of social media.

      • i wonder if the writing of it (hangovers) can come from a place of pride or something and perhaps because you are writing this as a cathartic process, you may not have the same kind of good-feelings about it as you may have felt before…nothing like some layman pop-psych for you, right? i really thought it was fantastic!!! (are you hearing that?)
        also, do you know the book The Impossible Will Take a Little While. love that title & sentiment.
        sorry about the mild depression & nagging doubt. sounds like writing is one of the best medicines… can’t wait for next week!

      • Not sure about any having any misplaced or misguided pride about this hangover, Candice,and I’d cop to it if I did. I’m an expert at misplaced or misguided pride, and I cop to things fairly easily. No, I think this was just a good old fashioned case of seeing the world through shit-colored glasses, which I am periodically prone to do (and…am very proud of) and everything I was writing took on that particular hue. Am not familiar with this Impossible book. What inspires it’s mention, Candice?

  5. Smugly she said “I’ve still never had a hangover.”

    It’s not moral superiority. It’s just that I have some magic switch inside me that flips from “Ooh, gosh, I feel happy” after two drinks to “Jesus Lord God in Heaven, I’m gonna puke” after 4. So I seem unable to properly poison myself. Lucky, that.

    • It’s some kind of superiority, and I find it hard not to resent. However, I too had a period of my drinking that was very similar to your experience. It lasted about two to three years, between 7 and 10 years old. I could drink two beers and be fine, then drink four and get too drunk. Kept me in check for a while. Thanks for stopping by, Suebob, it’s always a treat.

  6. I fought against the bottle
    But I had to do it drunk
    Took my diamond to the pawnshop
    But that don’t make it junk
    I know that I’m forgiven
    But I don’t know how I know
    I don’t trust my inner feelings
    Inner feelings come and go
    Too late to mix another drink
    The lights are going out
    I’ll just listen to the darkness sing
    I know what that’s about

    Leonard Cohen

    Wonderful story! Your descriptive powers continue to floor me, I’m amused then so sad I wanna cry, that’s talent thank you. So, no second guessing just know in your heart if you were moved to write it we’re going to want to read it.
    PS To Mel. I managed to somehow close a car door on my right breast which still bears the scar!

    • I love Cohen. Now there’s a guy that can move me to tears. Thanks for the kind words, Alexa. I winced when I heard about your boob getting squashed in the car door. That must’ve been quite the buzz-kill. I can only imagine what kind of antics lead to that accident. There’s a blog entry if I ever smelled one. Ok, my mighty party warrior-priestess, may Bacchus continue to bless all your endeavors.

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